a vocation to suffering
A poem about my experience with a chronic and progressive illness.
At 1:30 in the morning
as I clutch my body and attempt to pray through the pain that debilitates me,
while sweat drenches my clothes and I hold a trash bag close to my side, just in case, I reflect on a vocation to suffering.
A vocation to suffering that entails wondering how much longer I will be able to live like this,
with an all-consuming pain that causes me to cry out to God and beg Him to answer me.
Just this once, God, please.
But God knows I’ve prayed “just this once” more times than I can count.
I look to my husband and think about how he never deserved this.
As others have told me, he didn’t sign up for this. He deserves better. I’m ruining his life.
His own fatigue is because of me.
“I’m sorry,” I tell him for the millionth time.
“What are you apologizing for?”
“For making you take care of me.”
“You’re not making me do anything. I’m choosing to do it because I love you.”
“You deserve better.”
“We deserve each other.”
A conversation we’ve had multiple times.
I lift my head and it starts spinning.
I crash back down and continue to pray because it’s all I can do.
God, please help me.
Lord Jesus Christ, have mercy on me, a sinner.
Holy Theotokos, please intercede for me.
Jesus, save us, please.
Waiting for relief.
Waiting for a cure.
Waiting for things that may never come.
If suffering is to be my vocation as cruel as it feels to me,
I will continue to pray and suffer with love.
For some of us, life is difficult. Every day we navigate through physical, emotional pain and the depression that comes with it. If I can give you one word of council, it’s this. Accept your husband’s love without guilt. Clearly, God’s plan for your life included your husband. I speak from experience. 50 years of experience. Accept the love without guilt. 🙏🏻
Dearest Ari, I am so sorry for your suffering. We never know what God’s plan is for our lives. But we trust that he does have a plan. Oh, if we only knew what it was…how much easier it would be to endure. I don’t know if it gives you any comfort, but I will pray for you.