Infertility support groups are triggering when you're permanently childless. So, where do we go?
Unfortunately, there are not many resources out there for those who are permanently childless. How can we support the permanently childless couples in our lives?
When I came to accept the fact that I can never have children- neither biological nor adopted children- due to the severity of my illness, I found myself seeking out community and support among those who could relate. Unfortunately, I did not find anyone who could relate. The closest I found were infertility support groups. Over the course of several months, I discovered that these groups were not a good fit for me. A vast majority of women in these groups eventually became pregnant or had the privilege of adopting. Many women in these groups also had children already but were struggling to conceive another child. This is not to minimize the very valid experiences of other women, but as a permanently childless woman, these groups became more triggering to me rather than helpful or supportive. For the past two years, I have served as a contributor for a nonprofit that serves couples dealing with infertility, but this past week, I decided to step down. It was another space that made me feel more alone, and with the uncertainty of my health- where every day is quite literally not guaranteed- I have had to carefully discern where I invest my energy.
So, where do permanently childless women go? Especially those who are condemned for their childlessness and are in need of support and community?
I have been doing some research into support for permanently childless women (i.e. those who are unable to get pregnant and cannot pursue fertility treatments or adopt) and have come across only one organization that meets this criteria- but they require a membership fee. I would love to start my own support group, but it is currently not an option due to my energy limitations (but if you, reader, would like to get one rolling, please send me an invite!). In the meantime, here are some ways you can support the permanently childless women in your life and how to handle the topic of your own children with sensitivity and compassion.
Do not make assumptions. A lot of people assumed that my husband and I were choosing not to have children (and because of this, we were told by our church that we are going to hell– something I will be writing more about in a future piece). Pregnancy carries a near 100% mortality rate for both mother and child with my medical condition, I cannot take care of myself, my husband also has a medical condition that causes stretches of intense fatigue, I am immunocompromised, and with my current life expectancy, the child would be left motherless while they are still a child. We are not simply choosing not to have children. Even if a couple was choosing to not have children, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that as it is none of our business! Having children is a deeply personal decision that involves many layers.
Be mindful when announcing your pregnancy. I truly rejoice when my friends are pregnant! But it is also a sensitive topic for me, and so I appreciate it when the topic is approached with gentleness and sensitivity. Everybody is different, but I personally appreciated it when a dear friend told me and my husband of her pregnancy via a handwritten letter. This gave us a pressure-free environment to respond when we were ready.
Reach out to your childless friends and include them in your gatherings. They may not attend baby showers or other gatherings depending on their physical and emotional needs, but as a permanently childless couple who lives primarily in isolation, we love to get invited to things anyway because it means someone is still thinking of us.
Know that your childless friend still wants a relationship with you– perhaps with some new boundaries. Most of my friends left when they became mothers, even though I still wanted a relationship with them. One friend was upfront with me and told me she was seeking only mom friends who could relate to her as she moved forward in life (implying that I was behind) , but others left without saying anything. I would reach out, ask how they are doing, and if I could support them in any way, but often never heard back– though photos and posts on their social media continued. I’m not sure if it is because I am childless, but I do still want a relationship with my friends who are parents! The dynamic and boundaries may be different, but it doesn’t mean I want out!
Encourage them and nurture their gifts. I often feel like I have failed as a woman since I cannot have children (and because I can’t even take care of myself or keep house). Womanhood is not defined by motherhood. I am grateful for my husband and close friends for reminding me of this and encouraging me to nurture my own vocation. Ask yourself how you can encourage and nurture your permanently childless friends. What are their talents? What do they enjoy doing? How can they inspire others?
I do hope more resources become available to those who are permanently childless and carry various layers of grief on a daily basis. It does not help when our political leaders promote harmful rhetoric on childlessness, referring to childless women as “childless cat ladies” and talking about how parents should have more voting power than childless couples (googling Vance and childlessness should give you adequate information). If you know of any (free) resources for those who are permanently childless, please let me know in the comments or feel free to message them to me. I will be writing more about this topic in future posts but I want every childless couple to know that 1) you are still a family and this is a sacred fact, 2) womanhood is not defined by motherhood and 3) you are worthy of love, respect, and friendships. Children do not define your worth!