Actually, chronic illness does define me. And that's okay.
How I'm choosing to accept my limitations and make peace with my illness.
“Chronic illness doesn’t define you! Don’t let it dictate your life!”
“Don’t let your illness stop you. You need to live your life!”
Most people with chronic illness have heard these words at some point in their lives. Typically, they come from people who mean well but cannot seem to wrap their heads around the fact that chronic illness is chronic and comes with a number of limitations. After all, chronic illness is sadly one of those things that needs to be experienced in order to be understood fully.
Chronic illness does define me and it does dictate my life. That’s just a fact. It doesn’t define my identity at its core, but seeing that I am at the mercy of my body every day, it certainly defines my abilities and dictates what I am able (and unable) to do in my daily life. Pretty much all of my major life decisions are centered around my health and healthcare, and even the smaller decisions I make on a daily basis (like what I choose to eat, where my husband and I decide to take our daily walk if I’m even able to take a walk, etc.) are made around how I am feeling and how my flare-ups are manifesting at any given moment. And that’s okay. I know my body has limitations and that’s okay.
If I choose to push through and over-exert myself for the sake of “not letting [my] illness stop [me],” I will crash. I will crash hard. And I know this because I have tried this. I have tried to trick myself into believing that I’m not actually sick. I have tried to push through when I’m not feeling well so I can have a good time and not be so judged. I ended up feeling significantly worse at the end and became bedridden for days and even weeks at a time. My illness is real, and it can and will stop me from living my life the way I want (and others want me) to live it. And that’s okay. This is just the cross I’ve been given and I am tired of fighting it. I would rather make peace with my situation and accept my cross with grace, because that is what’s going to be best for me physically, emotionally, and spiritually in the long run.
You can’t “fake it ‘til you make it” with chronic illness. I have found the only way to “win” this battle is by calling a truce and making peace. There is a lot of merit to finding peace in one’s circumstances instead of trying to keep pushing through in order to please others and end up crashing and burning at the end. Making peace is what I have chosen to do.
Yes, chronic illness does define me in the sense that it dictates my life and my daily decisions. It tells me what I can and cannot do. It is not a matter of having a weak mindset or victim mentality as others tell me, it’s the fact that I have a physical, systemic, progressive illness that cannot be ignored. And that’s okay.
I cannot cure it, but I can make peace with it.
Yes. It seems obvious - after all, if you could just decide to be fine, you wouldn't really be ill at all, right? - but is so hard to understand for many people.
I believe that with your perspective, one probably overall has (much) more control over one's life than someone who keeps ignoring the signals of their body. I find it heartbreaking and infuriating at the same time to read about "victim mentality" comments. Dealing with serious chronic illness is one of the most psychologically challenging things one can experience, and coming to terms with it takes incredible strength. Anyone with even just a little bit of empathy should be able to see that. I think people making such comments either really completely lack empathy, or they just want to protect *themselves* from the idea that there might be serious health issues that cannot be fixed. I guess one just shouldn't listen to them, but I know how hard it can be in practice.
We’ve all been given different crosses to bear, and in that contribution to our individuality, they DO define us, at least in part and often in large part. I think the goal is to accept who we are with grace. I smiled when I read your words because I’ve thought that many times when reading your work: that you walk your path with grace.
I really dislike the “fake it ‘til you make it” concept. I frowned the first time I heard it as I’m not a good “faker” by nature, and I shy away from anything/one fake. After having “fake it ‘til I make it” drilled at me (not into me because my being was not receptive) in recent years, I now find it absolutely aversive. I’m grateful for your gentle presence and honesty. It’s a beautiful thing.